Mentally Done

I am so tired! Work has been very exhausting. From doing the ordering for the whole practice - and just trying to stay sain- - I am just mentally done! Have you ever gotten the feeling where you just want to crawl in a hole and hit the rewind button? My brain is so stacked with responsibility - that I get overwelmed. There are 20 women in this practice, and a couple of them are just waiting for me to fail. Every night I go home and say, " Okay, tomorrow will be a better day and I will just keep my mouth shut - not say a word!" But, I do and htan I go home that very same night feeling that very same way! Ughhhhhhhhhhhh. Did I tell you how excited I am to not hear my neighbor SLAM his door shut every hour? Sometimes I imagine myself going out there and saying, "I HAVE A BABY THAT IS TRYING TO SLEEP, MUST YOU SLAM YOUR DOOR LIKE HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS????" Than I think twice and remember I am 5 foot 2 inches tall - a little on the chubby side... I am not as threatening as I seem..... Dang! On a positive note... our apprasil came in at 2,000 dollars over what we purchased it for - so we are home free there! Not the underwriter goes to town.... Lord, please give us a nice underwriter! Tomorrow- is a new day and I will go in there shut my mouth and just putz along! I think I can, I think I can! I'll let ya know!

Nothing Better To Do But Blog

In the midst of panic mode packing to get the condo ready for rent - we packed my books, bibles, studies, and my ereader.... So this leaves me with nothing else to do but blog! I have nothing to write in either... stupid of me. Look at sweet Samantha riding in her Jeep the wrong way. I love how her little blonde hair is sprouting through!
If everything goes smoothly - this is where Scott, Samantha and I will cozy on in and spend many years together. We are now in the terrible process of paper work and signing your life away. The apprasial (I know I did not spell that right Ma) has been ordered, the property management company has been contacted... Now we must sit and wait. I am not a very patient person - so this will be a long month. But, this week Scott has a well deserved vacation from work,Friday is SMC's 32nd birthday, Saturday School starts (hopefully), the next weekend is the sweet baby shower for Millie and Kelli, and than my 22nd birthday! Hopefully I will be moving into a house shortly after or even on my Birthday!
Sam decided to help with the move to storage by taking out all, and I mean ALL of the DVD's. So helpful... Tonight Sam and I enjoyed so Spasssghetti at Aunt Kelli, Uncle Bryan, and Cousin Sophie and Clara's house. Sam decided to lean forward in her chair and end up on the floor... oh so many spills and falls to come. I guess that's the joy of parenting!
I must admit I will miss our sweet (easy to clean) condo. I will not miss those stairs though! I have taken a couple of spills that have left me bruised! I love our Condo the most in the fall - so at least I will get one last breath of that fresh, crisp, golf course air one last time.
I will miss Sam's first bedroom. I asked Scott to paint it this pretty green while I was in Washington State with my Ma... and he did it! I got home, ran to the room and was so thrilled with the result - and could not wait to put fairies, silly pictures, and build my little ones crib. Now, we must paint over with white paint, take down the pictures, and it'll probably turn into an office or maybe another child's bedroom? Is it wierd that I have an attatchment to this place?
This is the place where we can eat our meals and be a family. I requested no TV during dinner because the TV will be so easily watchable - Scott agreed and has already put my request into effect. Hopefully for Miss Sam's 1st Birthday - we can have the Mastons/Parks/Campbells over for Ice cream and cake. Sam will be happy to see all her family in one spot!
Have you met little Millie Rose yet? She looks just like Clara Belle did when she was a wee one! Millie is going to have my middle name. It is a family name, I must admit I was very thrilled when that decision was made. Mille will be arriving right around Sam's first Birthday! Sam and I will head over to the Park Pep Squad house to help with little one and maybe even take the girls home with me for a fairy princess sleep over if their mommy lets me. I have to admit, I sit in bed at night and think about all the fun things we shall do while their mommy and daddy soak up Little MRP. Popcorn, Tinkerbelle, Ice Cream, and lots of running and jumping!


You must turn your labtop 180 degrees to view this picture due to my laziness! Well, I'm off to bed - Sam wakes up at 7 a.m. and is rarin' to go! Good Night... Maybe this blog thing will continue a couple more nights.
XOXO

I Vow....

I vow to no longer google symptoms I am having. I vow to keep a consistent bible study. I vow to try and control my anxiety.

And I'm Back.... at least for today

- Yes, I am a royal blog slacker. I guess life has gotten to be very busy lately. I think I also got a tad bit frustrated because my postings became shorter and shorter with less and less to entertain with. Life has been a crazy fun house... I work Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesdays - 6:30 - 6:00. Scott work Thursday - Monday 9 - 7 most days. So that leaves..... small amounts of time together. Which leads me with more alone time which means more time to think. Don't get me wrong... thinking time is good, but when you're over thinking every single detail... it gets a little exhausting for this hypochondriac... By the end of my work day... I'm beat and ready for my bed. Than when I wake it's time to worry about liver failure (I know it's so stupid!), MS, basically you name it... I've got it. Ugh it's so exhausting... when will it end right? I hope poor Sam does not inherit my hypo ways....

Artichoke Dip

Watching Julie and Julia has inspired me... I am going to step outside my box, and start making a bigger variety of foods. This weeks exciting new trial... Artichoke dip.... I'll keep you updated....

Change and Icky Flu

Look at little Miss Sam I Am! She has changed so much already! This picture was taken in the hospital, and she's already changed so much! She def. has some light skin like her mama now, and those blue eyes.... EVEN BLUE-ER! Those chubby cheeks haven't changed! She's such a happy girl! Every morning when you go to get her out of her crib, she gives you the biggest smile and giggles! It makes every morning like Christmas Morning. Scott and I race to see who can get the first smile of the day! Yesterday I got the priv. of getting my hair done and little Miss Sam sure did put a number on the hair lady! Such a little doll! Now? She's taking a nap in her swing borrowed from Aunt Kelli and Clara. Scott? In bed - looking worse as ever with the stomach bug that Miss Sam and I just recovered from. I think Men are getting the sickness worse? Scott looks like death, and it's been a challenge getting him to keep hydrated. Hmmm. Another reason, I can NOT wait till Spring. Open doors, fresh air, pretty flowers, and NO FLU bugs! Sam and I can take short walks, go lay a blanket on the grass and bask (sp?) in the cool spring air. Ahhhh I got glimpse of it the other day and I have to say the Vit. D made a difference. Why can't it always be spring and fall.... just alternate... Winter and Hot Summer... I could do without.... For now? I am in my pretend world of daisies and cool but warm air..... There's no place like Sping... There's no place like Spring???? Didn't work!

Down

Sometimes your emotions get the best of you, and when you're emotions get the best of you, everyone handles it differently. Me? When I'm stressed, sad, or mad... I need comfort and communication. Scott? Stands quiet and likes to think to himself. It makes me sad when we get into bed and he turns the other way and says good night... That's it? I always think. I guess I knew that marriage isn't all butterflies and rainbows... But, I guess I kind of expected to be recognized a little more. I make the store runs, work 36 hour weeks, clean the house, and do the laundry... Yes, Scott pulls his weight around here too. But isn't there something inside of him that thinks his wife deserves a little more than the bare minimum? So, when I feel over welmed and I communicate it with him, why does he not give me any response. Doesn't it concern him that his wife is hurting in some way? I guess I am more of a feeler... If I see that he is stressed or upset I want to communicate and help him feel better. I guess Scott thinks that it's something that I need to work out on my own. I didn't get married to work things out on my own. How does this work? How do you meet in the middle? Sometimes I feel that Scott could have married anyone and been completely happy... He's so easy to get along with that any marriage would have been fine. Am I just a place holder? Now, I know this isn't true but sometimes this is how I feel, and aren't my feelings coming from somewhere? Shouldn't they make him a little concerned and want to help?

Getting Into the Swing

It's been three weeks of back at work, and it has had it's challenges but been nice at the same time. Scott has gotten to spend some quality time with Sam while I've gotten to go to work and be challenged EVERY day while doing so. It's pretty incredible how fast babies grow. I don't know how some women work five days a week because after three, I feel like Sam has changed so much. During those three days of work, I don't get to spend much time with Sam... I leave at 6:30 A.M. ( Sam's usually still snoozing) and then I get home about 6:45 P.M. Sam usually goes to bed about 9 so I have dinner and spend little time with Sam in those short hours, so seeing her after that little time, it amazes me how much she's grown and developed. She now grabs at her toys, laughs, smiles, and talks all the time. Two week ago this wasn't the case. They learn so much so quick. I also found that one outfit will be a little big one week and then the next it won't fit! I am thankful that I only have to work three days a week or else I would not work! I can't believe some people go to work five days a week and depend on others to spend the primary time with their child... (I COULD VOMIT). Any time that you can spend with your child whether you're doing homework, extra work, making dinner, or ANYTHING... You should be spending with your child. Yes, I understand that date nights are more than necessary but I mean eventually you have to take the responsibility and cherish your time with your child. Don't come up with excuses like I need to do my homework so you can abandoned your child with someone else.... PUKE! Even after a 12 1.5 hour day, I am still excited to go pick up Sam and love on her and get dinner made and pick up the house and do laundry... I am puzzled by parents who do it differently. Even working three days is a stretch, but it works out well for me due to Scott!

Tax Time is Taxing!

ARG! I'm so frustrated right now! I'm sitting on hold waiting to get information that will allow me to submit my taxes. Not only do I think that Taxes are made way harder than they need to be BUT even when you get the special people tax turbo it's still difficult, and I STILL have to call the IRS. ARG! Oh well, I guess waiting on hold on this snowy depressing day isn't bad! But, yes! There is hope... Finally my taxes were approved... That head ache is over (crossing my fingers!). Tomorrow is work, Sam is sleeping (I think) soundly in her crib, and me? I am waiting for Scott to get home... a little anxious due to the slick roads. My feet are freezing, so I bundled little SRC up in lots of fleece. I can not tell you how excited and looking forward to summer days where Sam can wear short sleeves, cute shorts, and sandles. So many more possible cold months ahead... I am even looking forward to rain over snow. This year has been too cold, and I'm over it. I am so looking forward to boxing up my sweatpants,hoodies,and slippers... Looking forward to tanks, sport shorts, and flip flops! Oh Spring... PLEASE COME EARLY this year... I would be incredibly thankful for that! Okay... I just got the text that Scott is on his way home to us... Yay.
Good Night!

Winding Down... or maybe Up?

Last night, I put Sam to sleep about 8:30, than Scott got home about 10. Sam was fast asleep, and Scott and I lay down about 10:30 to go to sleep. Scott is instantly out...me? I have a little trouble getting to sleep ever since Sam was born. First, the baby monitor is VERY loud but it has to be so if something is wrong with Sam I can hear her. Then, my brain has been running running all day, that it's hard for me to just stop thinking and go to sleep. All the sudden all these great ideas come to me, and I can't help but to think about them all. Like last night for example - I started to think about Baby book ideas, and all these cool things I can do! I'm sure tonight it's going to be really hard because I'll be thinking about tomorrow and everything that I am going to have to do. Ay yai yai... How do you get your brain to wind down quicker? It's a chore every night. I have to try and slow my breathing, than void out the baby monitor sounds, and lastly shut my brain off? Hmmm.. crossing my fingers!

Anxious

Look at how cute little miss Sam was newly out of the womb! I can't help but smile at that chubby face! I'm rocking away while Sam naps in her little crib. Last night she slept very well, and it made for a better morning. I wake up like a small child on Christmas morning every morning because I get to run in and see her cute face! She's always in such a good mood after a fresh diaper and a nice warm bottle. She is willing to give out smiles and coos, which make me so happy! It's amazing how quick babies grow! I mean Sam was sleeping all the time a month and a half ago, and interacting? There wasn't much... Now she smiles, gives short laughs, plays in her cousins rainforest play mat, and she even likes to stand, and Scott likes to think she likes to watch football. As much as the growing is so much fun, it does make me an ounce sad that she will never be that big again... Everyone always said that I would miss being pregnant, and I didn't believe them but now I understand. The connection you have with your sweet baby when they're in the womb is something I learned the treasure only after she was born. This does not change our plans of waiting three years before having another child due to the simple fact that I am one angry pregnant woman and do not handle that stress well, but I am already looking forward to these days again. Even though the long nights of Scott being gone were terrible, I still can look back on that time and smile because of the time I got to spend with Sam. I am returning to work on Monday - and I am so excited for many reasons. I am excited to be back in action, I'm excited to see how I feel about Sam being at Scott's parent's house, I'm excited to see how Scott does for the two days he is alone with her, and I am excited for this process to finally get underway. The past three months, I've been dreading going back to work, and I'm glad that the first day is almost here and than soon will be over with. Although there is lots of drama at work, I am excited to see how much I've changed after having a child. A whole new way of life is about to begin and I am excited to see how it will unfold. I am also excited for Scott to get some alone time with Samantha without me breathing down his neck about doing things a certain way. My way is not always the right way, and I think he'll be happy to be able to get to know Sam without Mama Bear watching his every move! As much as I love being Mom, I am a little excited to get a break from it. I guess having such a small little human depending on me and only me has made me a little stir crazy. I mean don't get me wrong I love it, but it'll be nice to have Scott be the main care taker for two days, and I can breath a little bit and take on some different responsibilities. I am a busy body, and keeping my mind busy is something I like to do. I am excited for when Sam gets a little bigger and we can do more things. I am especially excited for summer when I can bring her out more and she can get some fresh air! I am also looking forward to the vit. D that I can get. BLACH so sick of the snow and gloomy weather! Can't wait for pretty flowers, green grass, and trees! Having the door creaked open wouldn't be bad either! I'm sure George and Lina are looking forward to it as well. I do love my little home but one complaint I do have is that Sam's room has a lot of noise! Even if you are very quiet, you can still here every breath you take! Oh well, I guess it'll just be an adjustment! I have a busy month ahead of me! Back to work.... Clara's 1st Bday, Kelli's Bday, Sophie's 3rd Bday, Valentines Day, and just getting used the new schedule. I am excited for what lays ahead for our little family! Gotta run, Lina is trying to disrupt the peace...

The Invisible Wall

So, I finished my book last night - and I would have to say that it was one of the most magnificent (sp?) I have read. I will not give away the story for those who are going to read it but, I did feel incredible after I was done reading it. What a life? I mean the things that this man has seen are far more interesting than things I have seen. My heart goes out to all the people who had to live these rough lives. And to think that this is only ONE story - how many others must be out there! I have never been one that is too interested in history, but the past two books I have read have been about history and it is starting to interest me a whole lot more. The things that people have seen and conquered are truly breath taking. I only wish that I was as good of a writer as some of these authors were. I've always loved to read, but isn't it interesting how your taste in books changes as you get older? I have a much broader choice in books now? My next choice of book will probably be Harry Potter... But like I said the two books before were history and the books before that were romances. Funny how your choice in books changes (once again). The Invisible Wall made me think about my own life - much like other books... I mean what's the Invisible Wall in my life? What is going on in our present time that will soon be History? I love how books make you think about your own life - and relate to the life of the characters. Reading books to me is like escaping to another world for a bit. You get to live this fantasy without really living it. I'm feeling better now, hopefully tomorrow is even better!

Nap Time!

I am sitting here with my ears perked due to little Sam taking a nap in her crib. Last night was hard because Sam did not want to sleep, and I most cert. did want to! I guess these are the nights you forget? Scott has tomorrow and Wednesday off, and I am very excited to have him home for a couple of days. In a short two weeks I will be returning to work, I am excited to be back in action (at the moment). I am reading a great book called, "The Invisible Wall". It's a memoir with a little Jewish boy during World War I, and the struggles of Jews and Christians coming together. The little boy has a hard working mother who gives up everything for herself in order to give her kids everything she can. It's a very sweet story so far but yet there are hardships intertwined as well. I am looking forward to reading the rest of it. As I've gotten a little older, I've become more interested in history, too bad I didn't pay attention in high school or my three days of college history (haha). Maybe one day we will be able to afford to send me back to school, a day when I'll be able to appreciate it a little more than I did. Well Little Sam is starting to wake up, and soon she'll be angry for a bottle so I must go! Ta-Ta as the English people say.

A Little Bit of Peace

Scott is off to work and will return tired and defeated for the day while I am sitting in my quiet home... well the washer and dryer are running wild and Sam's rocking chair is singing its' sweet tune, but my definition of quiet was soon altered when I had little Samantha. The past two days I've actually gotten to do some reading while little Miss Sam is sleeping. It's always nice to have some time to do what you love. If I get too busy and have no time to just stop and think I feel like a can full of trash. I just need to empty out and process sometimes, and now I've learned to appreciate it much more. Work is creeping up on my slowly. I am excited to be back in action but also a little sad that I will be leaving sweet little Rose. I am confident in my decision to go back to work though because it will provide our family will a lot. It will be nice for Scott to have two days alone with Sam. It has helped me learn a lot and I'm sure it will do that Same for SMC. George and Lina are adapting well to SRC, and now it is normal to have her around. Last night was a Zoo... We celebrated my sweet oldest brother's 29th Birthday while celebrating my cousin Laura visiting. Cadence and Sophie had their usual confrontation, this time it was about a pretty red head barbie doll, Finn trucked around minding his own business, Clara grunted,smiled, and hid her face in her Mama's shoulder when she got bashful, and Samantha sat in people's arms with the occasional Fuss. Let's just say by the end of the event, I was tired from just watching it! I have to give a lot of credit to the parents for dealing with it, I just kind of watched from a distance! Even through the mess though, I love those babies so much :) I'm on the birth control pill and I have to say it's making me feel a little bit looney bin-ish, and I am kinda of thinking about throwing them out! I feel like a witch on her broom at times (as ginx would say). Scott and I fell asleep on the couch last night while Sam rocked away, then I woke her to eat one last time before she went down for the night, she fussed occasionally but went back to sleep within five minutes each time. When morning came she was bright eyed and eager to have her bottle and some interaction time with her Daddy. Mornings are precious, you're fully rested, ready for the day, and it's when I am able to give my full attention to everything. I have realized I am much like good Ol' Gandolf (Dad) lately. I like to clean, to have a clean house is the ultimate peace! Last night I was feeling a bit overwelmed, and it would have been nice to be able to call my Papa and talk to him about my troubled mind, but he is off in Japan serving, and I will anxiously await his return tomorrow. When I was younger my Dad was the Bad Cop, and I did not talk to him much, but now as I get older I find myself wanting to talk to him, and wanting to be around him. He has great words of wisdom to share, and seems to think the same way I do sometimes. Anyways, I am rambling now... I must sit down for a few minutes of peace in my brain. Maybe next Saturday I'll do a pink post like Ginx?

Me

My Mom and I always talk about how on facebook, people always put pictures of them that don't look anything like them. They have pictures where they are all done up and fancied... NOT REALISTIC. So, I've decided to take a stand on facebook phonies, and put a picture up that describes me... I am a Dork, not a "cool kid". I liked to think that I was a cool kid in high school, but now I can't help thinking what a waste of time! REALLY! Who cares about high school now. I have a lot more to show for my life now than I did than. I know this is much easier said than done, but who cares if anyone thinks you are pretty, cute, funny, popular, or anything else. Really, doesn't it only matter that your family knows who you really are. Or does it really matter if the rest of the world finds your enchanting? Yes, I'm sure we all take it as a compliment if someone says you look good or what not but maybe we need to focus on the good in everyone's heart. Maybe we should try not to focus on weight or your color of hair. I know it's very easy to judge other people, but don't you think we would all be much happy if we didn't focus on others so much and focus on the inner beauty of yourself and others? Rejoice in your family not in your make up or hair products. Don't get me wrong, who doesn't like to get "dooted" up and feel pretty, but maybe we focus on it a little too much. Maybe focusing on being healthy in body and spirit would be the best for us as the people. Maybe give it a shot, when people walk by and you start to judge their appearence, maybe stop yourself and say a prayer for that person instead. NO NO not a prayer because you think they are ugly or stout, a prayer for them to have a good day or a prayer for them to see Him. Keep your mind positive instead of dark like I usually do. Maybe try and see the good in people instead of the obvious! EH?

No Pictures-Just Thoughts

-Focusing on the good is much harder when the bad is the present. But, focusing on the reasons for good is hard when the good for the present. I constantly catch myself thinking, "WHY GOD? REALLY WHY?" But, than when the good is going on I don't really Thank the Lord for everything he is doing. My point is, is that even when things are going great, you need to slow down for just one second, and Thank the Lord for all the good he is doing in your life... Thank you for blessing me with an amazing husband who cares for Samantha and I more than anything, Thank you for giving me a family that will always be there for my family and I, Thank you for always taking care of us financially, Thank you for a healthy baby. As we all know, I am now faced with the decision of going back to work or not. I had a meeting on Wednesday, and it felt so good to be back. Sam was left with Scott and she did great! But instantly as I realized that I love my job, a wave of guilt rushed through my blood. How could I be so selfish to go back to work? I should feel the need to be with Samantha all the time right? I didn't know what to think, and it actually still makes me feel sick to my stomach. Will Scott's family and my family judge my decision for the rest of my life? Will I always feel bad talking about how I made the decision to go back to work? Will I always feel regretful about the decision to quit a great job that values me? Really what is the right answer?? Is there a right answer? Hopefully it will be made clear. Crystal Clear please.