Winding Down... or maybe Up?

Last night, I put Sam to sleep about 8:30, than Scott got home about 10. Sam was fast asleep, and Scott and I lay down about 10:30 to go to sleep. Scott is instantly out...me? I have a little trouble getting to sleep ever since Sam was born. First, the baby monitor is VERY loud but it has to be so if something is wrong with Sam I can hear her. Then, my brain has been running running all day, that it's hard for me to just stop thinking and go to sleep. All the sudden all these great ideas come to me, and I can't help but to think about them all. Like last night for example - I started to think about Baby book ideas, and all these cool things I can do! I'm sure tonight it's going to be really hard because I'll be thinking about tomorrow and everything that I am going to have to do. Ay yai yai... How do you get your brain to wind down quicker? It's a chore every night. I have to try and slow my breathing, than void out the baby monitor sounds, and lastly shut my brain off? Hmmm.. crossing my fingers!

Anxious

Look at how cute little miss Sam was newly out of the womb! I can't help but smile at that chubby face! I'm rocking away while Sam naps in her little crib. Last night she slept very well, and it made for a better morning. I wake up like a small child on Christmas morning every morning because I get to run in and see her cute face! She's always in such a good mood after a fresh diaper and a nice warm bottle. She is willing to give out smiles and coos, which make me so happy! It's amazing how quick babies grow! I mean Sam was sleeping all the time a month and a half ago, and interacting? There wasn't much... Now she smiles, gives short laughs, plays in her cousins rainforest play mat, and she even likes to stand, and Scott likes to think she likes to watch football. As much as the growing is so much fun, it does make me an ounce sad that she will never be that big again... Everyone always said that I would miss being pregnant, and I didn't believe them but now I understand. The connection you have with your sweet baby when they're in the womb is something I learned the treasure only after she was born. This does not change our plans of waiting three years before having another child due to the simple fact that I am one angry pregnant woman and do not handle that stress well, but I am already looking forward to these days again. Even though the long nights of Scott being gone were terrible, I still can look back on that time and smile because of the time I got to spend with Sam. I am returning to work on Monday - and I am so excited for many reasons. I am excited to be back in action, I'm excited to see how I feel about Sam being at Scott's parent's house, I'm excited to see how Scott does for the two days he is alone with her, and I am excited for this process to finally get underway. The past three months, I've been dreading going back to work, and I'm glad that the first day is almost here and than soon will be over with. Although there is lots of drama at work, I am excited to see how much I've changed after having a child. A whole new way of life is about to begin and I am excited to see how it will unfold. I am also excited for Scott to get some alone time with Samantha without me breathing down his neck about doing things a certain way. My way is not always the right way, and I think he'll be happy to be able to get to know Sam without Mama Bear watching his every move! As much as I love being Mom, I am a little excited to get a break from it. I guess having such a small little human depending on me and only me has made me a little stir crazy. I mean don't get me wrong I love it, but it'll be nice to have Scott be the main care taker for two days, and I can breath a little bit and take on some different responsibilities. I am a busy body, and keeping my mind busy is something I like to do. I am excited for when Sam gets a little bigger and we can do more things. I am especially excited for summer when I can bring her out more and she can get some fresh air! I am also looking forward to the vit. D that I can get. BLACH so sick of the snow and gloomy weather! Can't wait for pretty flowers, green grass, and trees! Having the door creaked open wouldn't be bad either! I'm sure George and Lina are looking forward to it as well. I do love my little home but one complaint I do have is that Sam's room has a lot of noise! Even if you are very quiet, you can still here every breath you take! Oh well, I guess it'll just be an adjustment! I have a busy month ahead of me! Back to work.... Clara's 1st Bday, Kelli's Bday, Sophie's 3rd Bday, Valentines Day, and just getting used the new schedule. I am excited for what lays ahead for our little family! Gotta run, Lina is trying to disrupt the peace...

The Invisible Wall

So, I finished my book last night - and I would have to say that it was one of the most magnificent (sp?) I have read. I will not give away the story for those who are going to read it but, I did feel incredible after I was done reading it. What a life? I mean the things that this man has seen are far more interesting than things I have seen. My heart goes out to all the people who had to live these rough lives. And to think that this is only ONE story - how many others must be out there! I have never been one that is too interested in history, but the past two books I have read have been about history and it is starting to interest me a whole lot more. The things that people have seen and conquered are truly breath taking. I only wish that I was as good of a writer as some of these authors were. I've always loved to read, but isn't it interesting how your taste in books changes as you get older? I have a much broader choice in books now? My next choice of book will probably be Harry Potter... But like I said the two books before were history and the books before that were romances. Funny how your choice in books changes (once again). The Invisible Wall made me think about my own life - much like other books... I mean what's the Invisible Wall in my life? What is going on in our present time that will soon be History? I love how books make you think about your own life - and relate to the life of the characters. Reading books to me is like escaping to another world for a bit. You get to live this fantasy without really living it. I'm feeling better now, hopefully tomorrow is even better!

Nap Time!

I am sitting here with my ears perked due to little Sam taking a nap in her crib. Last night was hard because Sam did not want to sleep, and I most cert. did want to! I guess these are the nights you forget? Scott has tomorrow and Wednesday off, and I am very excited to have him home for a couple of days. In a short two weeks I will be returning to work, I am excited to be back in action (at the moment). I am reading a great book called, "The Invisible Wall". It's a memoir with a little Jewish boy during World War I, and the struggles of Jews and Christians coming together. The little boy has a hard working mother who gives up everything for herself in order to give her kids everything she can. It's a very sweet story so far but yet there are hardships intertwined as well. I am looking forward to reading the rest of it. As I've gotten a little older, I've become more interested in history, too bad I didn't pay attention in high school or my three days of college history (haha). Maybe one day we will be able to afford to send me back to school, a day when I'll be able to appreciate it a little more than I did. Well Little Sam is starting to wake up, and soon she'll be angry for a bottle so I must go! Ta-Ta as the English people say.

A Little Bit of Peace

Scott is off to work and will return tired and defeated for the day while I am sitting in my quiet home... well the washer and dryer are running wild and Sam's rocking chair is singing its' sweet tune, but my definition of quiet was soon altered when I had little Samantha. The past two days I've actually gotten to do some reading while little Miss Sam is sleeping. It's always nice to have some time to do what you love. If I get too busy and have no time to just stop and think I feel like a can full of trash. I just need to empty out and process sometimes, and now I've learned to appreciate it much more. Work is creeping up on my slowly. I am excited to be back in action but also a little sad that I will be leaving sweet little Rose. I am confident in my decision to go back to work though because it will provide our family will a lot. It will be nice for Scott to have two days alone with Sam. It has helped me learn a lot and I'm sure it will do that Same for SMC. George and Lina are adapting well to SRC, and now it is normal to have her around. Last night was a Zoo... We celebrated my sweet oldest brother's 29th Birthday while celebrating my cousin Laura visiting. Cadence and Sophie had their usual confrontation, this time it was about a pretty red head barbie doll, Finn trucked around minding his own business, Clara grunted,smiled, and hid her face in her Mama's shoulder when she got bashful, and Samantha sat in people's arms with the occasional Fuss. Let's just say by the end of the event, I was tired from just watching it! I have to give a lot of credit to the parents for dealing with it, I just kind of watched from a distance! Even through the mess though, I love those babies so much :) I'm on the birth control pill and I have to say it's making me feel a little bit looney bin-ish, and I am kinda of thinking about throwing them out! I feel like a witch on her broom at times (as ginx would say). Scott and I fell asleep on the couch last night while Sam rocked away, then I woke her to eat one last time before she went down for the night, she fussed occasionally but went back to sleep within five minutes each time. When morning came she was bright eyed and eager to have her bottle and some interaction time with her Daddy. Mornings are precious, you're fully rested, ready for the day, and it's when I am able to give my full attention to everything. I have realized I am much like good Ol' Gandolf (Dad) lately. I like to clean, to have a clean house is the ultimate peace! Last night I was feeling a bit overwelmed, and it would have been nice to be able to call my Papa and talk to him about my troubled mind, but he is off in Japan serving, and I will anxiously await his return tomorrow. When I was younger my Dad was the Bad Cop, and I did not talk to him much, but now as I get older I find myself wanting to talk to him, and wanting to be around him. He has great words of wisdom to share, and seems to think the same way I do sometimes. Anyways, I am rambling now... I must sit down for a few minutes of peace in my brain. Maybe next Saturday I'll do a pink post like Ginx?

Me

My Mom and I always talk about how on facebook, people always put pictures of them that don't look anything like them. They have pictures where they are all done up and fancied... NOT REALISTIC. So, I've decided to take a stand on facebook phonies, and put a picture up that describes me... I am a Dork, not a "cool kid". I liked to think that I was a cool kid in high school, but now I can't help thinking what a waste of time! REALLY! Who cares about high school now. I have a lot more to show for my life now than I did than. I know this is much easier said than done, but who cares if anyone thinks you are pretty, cute, funny, popular, or anything else. Really, doesn't it only matter that your family knows who you really are. Or does it really matter if the rest of the world finds your enchanting? Yes, I'm sure we all take it as a compliment if someone says you look good or what not but maybe we need to focus on the good in everyone's heart. Maybe we should try not to focus on weight or your color of hair. I know it's very easy to judge other people, but don't you think we would all be much happy if we didn't focus on others so much and focus on the inner beauty of yourself and others? Rejoice in your family not in your make up or hair products. Don't get me wrong, who doesn't like to get "dooted" up and feel pretty, but maybe we focus on it a little too much. Maybe focusing on being healthy in body and spirit would be the best for us as the people. Maybe give it a shot, when people walk by and you start to judge their appearence, maybe stop yourself and say a prayer for that person instead. NO NO not a prayer because you think they are ugly or stout, a prayer for them to have a good day or a prayer for them to see Him. Keep your mind positive instead of dark like I usually do. Maybe try and see the good in people instead of the obvious! EH?

No Pictures-Just Thoughts

-Focusing on the good is much harder when the bad is the present. But, focusing on the reasons for good is hard when the good for the present. I constantly catch myself thinking, "WHY GOD? REALLY WHY?" But, than when the good is going on I don't really Thank the Lord for everything he is doing. My point is, is that even when things are going great, you need to slow down for just one second, and Thank the Lord for all the good he is doing in your life... Thank you for blessing me with an amazing husband who cares for Samantha and I more than anything, Thank you for giving me a family that will always be there for my family and I, Thank you for always taking care of us financially, Thank you for a healthy baby. As we all know, I am now faced with the decision of going back to work or not. I had a meeting on Wednesday, and it felt so good to be back. Sam was left with Scott and she did great! But instantly as I realized that I love my job, a wave of guilt rushed through my blood. How could I be so selfish to go back to work? I should feel the need to be with Samantha all the time right? I didn't know what to think, and it actually still makes me feel sick to my stomach. Will Scott's family and my family judge my decision for the rest of my life? Will I always feel bad talking about how I made the decision to go back to work? Will I always feel regretful about the decision to quit a great job that values me? Really what is the right answer?? Is there a right answer? Hopefully it will be made clear. Crystal Clear please.