A Moment

Just yesterday, I called my mom and asked her if she ever felt like a bad Mom when we were little "tirants"... The reason I called and asked her that and sent a text to my sister asking the same question is... you love your children so much but some days - you feel like you just want to get to the end of the day. You just want to have no responsibility that day. With a child, you don't have a choice. BUT - at the end of the day when they are sleeping peacefully and look so sweet and innocent - you feel TERRIBLE! What is wrong with me? Why can't I just enjoy this little lamb? I think every Mother has had this moment (more than once). Sometimes I dream about being in a cabin up in the mountains ALL BY MYSELF, where I can let out a big scream! This morning I woke up feeling less cranky and was able to enjoy Sam. Scott took to me to see the movie, "The Help", and it was awesome! When we went to pick up Sam, she was jumping up and down with excitement and as soon as I picked her up - she waved by to Nana and Papa. It warmed my heart to know that I'm a good enough mom to have my little one do that! That Nana and Papa are hard to compete with :) It's nice to know that Sam loves her Mom and Dad and doesn't hold a grudge (yet) on days where we are tired and cranky! Tomorrow, we are going to have a picnic together - and enjoy a day off :)

Miserable Lunch Date

Today - we had to privilege of going out to lunch.... or not. Sam is at a VERY hard age. We go to sit down, and I am already expecting this to be nothing less than stressful. The nice lady asks, "Do you want a booster seat?" Sure! Even though I am very aware that the amount of time Sam will spend in this chair is minimal. Yup - I guessed it - Sam was saying "out, out, out, out" Fine... we let her out and let her jump around outside of out booth. I'm to the point where, whatever - as long as she is not screaming... I'm ok with this. Scott was cranky for the get go - and lost his temper (which normally it's me whom does so..). Scott's yelling at Sam, than I stop him and calmly explain that it isn't helping... OH BROTHER! Did I make a HUGE mistake in doing so. I guess Scott wasn't in the mood to be corrected :). Later on down misery lunch lane.... Scott apologizes to Sam.... and that's it... Hmmmm, men are interesting people aren't they??? I'm sitting there like, "HELLO!!!!! Your wife is sitting here awaiting your apology for acting like a goon!" Lesson learned for the day??? DO NOT GO OUT IN PUBLIC - AT ALL with a 22 month old.... Not worth the fighting with her, not worth the fighting with your spouse, and not worth the 20 bucks you are spending on lunch. Our eating out days are coming to an end soon anyway cause Scott will be returning to School, and we will be poor folk... maybe it's the Lord telling us we need to wait till Sam is old enough to behave. The icing on the cake you ask??? Well, Scott and I got in the car before coming to lunch and guess what?!?! Yup - my car wasn't starting ( probably why Scott wasn't thrilled at lunch)... Luckily, I have a husband who is very efficient with getting things taken care of and is fixing my car as we speak! Another good thing about Scott is he is quick to apologized when asked to do so, and quick to snap back into a decent mood. He has every right to be cranky sometimes... Trust me my cranky times are much more common than his. So - for the rest of the day, we will stay inside while Crankpot Sam naps and tromps around our home. We were invited to a birthday party - but I think I'm going to wave my white flag and save everyone at the party some grief - and keep my monster home for the evening! Plus - my car probably won't be drivable by then! Thanks for Listening!

Up, Down, Spin Around

Why must we go through so many ups and downs? One day, you feel happy and energetic... the next you're irritable and tired. For me, it feels like I go from one extreme to the next... REALLY happy or REALLY down. There aren't a lot of middle of the road moments for me. Some mornings I wake up, and just feel like crying and I have NO IDEA why?!? Now, I'm not saying this so you ask, "Oh, poor Jenny, what's wrong?" No, I'm saying this because I know other people go through this same emotional roller coaster as well.

Today, I was at a Implant class. For whatever reason, I was really excited. My hands were shaking and I couldn't keep them still. My heart was racing, and I felt that I needed to take a good deep breath. Ever since Sam was born, I've started to have random panic attacks, so I think this is what it was related to. I think the new responsibility of a child hits some people like a truck and others slide right into it. I've been able to identify when one is approaching and to help keep it under control.

My main question is, Why does this happen? Why are our nervous systems such touchy things? Why are some people more sensitive than others to this. I get anxious when things aren't routine or thought out well. If I leave the house with Sam and she is not wearing any shoes and I have to put them on before going into the Grocery store - it freaks me out. I have a plan and I don't want anything to interrupt it. My brain can only handle so much - I'm wired that way. If I ever have to make a stop to do something that is inconvenient for me on the way to do something else... I get anxious.

If you go to a doctor (which I have) they tell you that you need to be on medications... Medications that make you shake more or make your head feel like there are small fireworks going off every couple of minutes. Medications that if you stop cold turkey - your body starts to go into shock?? So, what's the solution? Do we grow out of it? Do you learn to cope, and it becomes the norm for you? Being the routine person that I am - I want someone to say, "Jenny, here's what you need to do, and here's how you need to do it, and your problems will be solved. " Sadly - that is not how the world works.

My best idea is to keep a journal of when I'm happy - What did I do that day? What did I eat that day? How much caffeine did I have today? WHAT TIME OF THE MONTH IS IT? Some patients of mine come in, and I can't help but wonder... How do you work a normal job? How one earth to you make it through life? So socially handicap and hard to communicate with. I feel sorry for them but at the same time, I envy them for being oblivious to the fact that people are uncomfortable with the social behavior. I wish I didn't think five times over about what I'm about to do, what I'm doing, and what I did. I can't tell you how many times I've been driving home and been thinking about something I've said over and over again and repeating it out loud to see if it's offensive or could get me in trouble some way, some how.

Why can't there be direct answers to everything??

Sweet Getaway in FlipFlops

Oh, how round I look in this picture... But, Sam looks cute so I guess it will make the blog! This was from Fourth of July weekend when I had asked Scott to pack my running shoes... Am I wearing running shoes in this picture? No :) Scott forgot and grabbed Sam an extra Water Cup instead. On the way down from the hike, Scott said he was fearing for his life at some points - as I slipped and skidded down the rocks in my Old Navy Flip Flops! It will be a fun story to tell, and I had a good laugh about it on the way home. I've learned that you never ask your husband to pack something very important :0) That would be my job!

This Summer has been enjoyable - yet stressful. Scott's job isn't ideal. His hours are cruddy and we don't see much of him when a co-worker takes two weeks vacation. Sam and I try to stay busy but there are only so many hours I can stand sitting at the Tinkerbelle table looking like Billy Madison did when he is drawing the blue duck in the First Grade, and coloring with Crayons. Sam gets creative and moves on to the couch and walls while I'm not looking... So I guess that spices my days up a bit! I have been working a lot. I love my new job, but I've discovered that no matter how much I love my job... I still really want to be a stay at home mom who has the option of working part time but doesn't have to. Scott is considering going back to school in the Spring, so maybe there is a light at the end of the working mom tunnel?? Maybe a couple more years of work and than I can hang up my dental assistant lab jacket?? We will see. Right now, that feels really far away.

Getting sleepy eyed, and have work tomorrow!

The Wonderful Life of a Hormonal Woman

If you are a woman, you notice weird ups and down that come during at certain times of the month. Let's take the beginning of the cycle. You're cranky, tired, achy, and bloated. The week after you are so exhausted and cranky. The third week you are feeling great, recovered, and more energy. Than, the week before you are back to cranky and tired... So, you're telling me we have ONE week out of the month to feel good?? What is all this about? Maybe, men would understand more if they went through it for a couple of months. After, running the 5k... I wanted to sleep all day today. I just could not get enough sleep.... I wake up from a nap and want to go right back to sleep. Fall asleep again, than when Sam starts to wake up, I had to really force myself to open my eyes. I always get bummed when I don't fully have the energy to give to Sam. Makes going back to work that week a little bit more difficult. Tomorrow, Sam and I will venture off to the Parker Pool with a friend from my old job. Hopefully, I have a bit more energy. I am not a person who handles a lot of events well. When I have a jam packed month where my weekends are booked up, I get stressed and angry. I'm more of a spur of the moment type person. Wake up... lets go to the mall today or I think I'll call my mom or sister to hang out.... Not much of a planner in that way. Tonight, we had Scott's Brother, his wife, and my nephew Ryan over for Taco Salad and Brats. It was fun. Sam ran around with Ryan and laughed a lot. She also ate a couple Chocolate Covered Strawberries.. Yum ;) I do like to entertain from time to time. But, the social aspect does make me tired. Today, Sam gave me a scary gift. You see, she usually likes to take the lady bugs out of her water table and give them to me.... Well, today I hear, "Here ya go Mama..." I look over and she has a HUGE bumble bee perched on her finger! I scream and knock the bee of her hand. Sam looks at me confused and starts to cry... Not because the bee stung her (because he didn't) but because she thought I was yelling at her... Oh, the world of a innocent mind. Well, my eyes are closing slowly... off to bed

Where's the Off Button??

Why am I up, you ask? Well, yesterday I ran a 5k for underwareness... Now, you ask... Did you train for this? No.... out of pure arrogance, I wanted to beat or finish at the same time as my boss because she runs on a normal basis. I think she slowed down with me to be nice, and knew it would be fun for me to finish with her. So, yes I ran it... My sister asked if my heart stopped at some point... My guess would be yes! The first mile was a breeze... The second mile lasted forever, and the last mile.2 lasted a little shorted because I think I was starting to slip. But, I can proudly say I did not join the lady laying on the ground whom I asked if she was alive.... So, yes I finished a 5k in 37 minutes. When I looked up what a good time for a 5k was... it was much lower than that number! I have to say it inspired me and I will be running another 5k in September... I will train a little bit more before hand and try to beat my time of 37 minutes by 2 minutes. Have you seen those cool toe shoes? Well, the run is based off of those, so I hope I can convince Scott to let me make that purchase. He's hesitant at the time because I just purchased some North Face Flip Flops that I had to have. I'll work on him. OH! I'm sorry I forgot where I was going with my first couple of sentences. Anyways, I am up because I slept all day to try and recover from my delirious run. I lay in bed trying to fall asleep but random thoughts keep running through my hampster brain. Tonight we drove Sam to a park so she could get some energy out. There were two boys there, they weren't speaking to each other... just wondering around.. I asked one of them, "Do you want us to leave, are you waiting for us to leave??" He replied.. No... I asked the normal stranger questions, age? school? Than why are you here? Anyway it eventually came down to these two boys were from a group home near by and wanted to get out of the house, I guess... So sad. Two boys not speaking to each other just coming to a near by park to sit. The middle school boy followed the highschool boy around. I wonder what happened, and what these boys can do. Of course, after they left, I sat there and wanted to cry because I felt so bad for them. If only they had someone to talk to... Scott shakes his head at my a lot because I talk to strangers and I probably make them uncomfortable.. But, who is to say that that boy didn't need someone to talk to. I'm not stupid, I know better than to do so when My husband isn't around. But, I'll ask someone who looks lonely how their day is going or create conversation if it will make them feel better. Gotta Run

It's Been A Long Time....

I love how Sam is resting her head on her hand. She is watching Kung Fu Panda... One of her top 2 favorite movies. I like the movie because it reminds me of Brad. I don't know why but Jack Black Humor always reminded me of Brad. Sam loves it because there is a lot of "Hiii YA!" She thinks Poe is very funny and entertaining. Sorry it's been so long. We had a week of the Flu, and I flew off to Houston, Texas to help open a Surgery Center for Medicaid patients. I've been very tired.
This is when Sam had the flu. She was the first to get it. It was so sad to wake up to a pukey crib. Poor thing was shaking and sleepy eyed. One night she cried for 2 hours. Thank Goodness Jesus was looking out for her and she fell fast asleep after that. All I could keep asking was.... Lord, give me strength to not start crying. Lord, give her peace.... Scott was having a very hard time and wanted to take Sam to the hospital... Such a silly dad. The Lord did give me strength and helped keep Scott calm. She just was pukey and tired. She recovered well!


In case you were wondering - Sam is eating a banana. It has turned into morning tradition. Milk and a banana that she can walk around with... she usually eats the whole thing. After Sam had recovered, I started to feel the effects of the flu in Houston. Riding in a bumpy airplane with your boss while you have the runs is not my cup of tea. He was nice enough to offer to buy my Imodium... Lol - that might go on my top ten most embarrassing moments list. I got home, and went straight to bed. I lost 9 lbs and I guess that is not good? My doctor told me to go to the ER to get an IV bag. I must admit, I felt rather silly sitting in the ER with an IV bag hooked to my arm and I only had the flu. My brother in law was very nice and brought me to the ER. I guess - no matter how irritated I get with the in-laws... they are all very nice people. Chad even called me two days later to see how I was feeling. I guess I hit the jack pot for in laws, huh? Why didn't Scott bring me? HE GOT A JOB! He had his first week this week, and is loving it. He will be working four days a week and hopefully have three days off with Sam and I! I guess, everything happens for a reason.

Yes, yes we purchased a swing set. Have we given this a second thought? Yes - see, the problem with the swing set is...well, she NEVER wants to stop. When I take the straps off and bring the harness down... She yells NO!! and tries to use her feet to kick it back up into position. She could seriously swing for hours. Do you see her snazzy new shoes? They are Garanimals! I have to admit the Velcro makes me giggle a little bit. She clomps around like a old man.

Sam and I met Kristen and the baby she nannies at the park. Sam was very excited to have a new friend. So excited that she decided to feed her new friend. Sam would take a bite out of every french fry and than hand it off to Quincy. Such a nice friend... for now. Tomorrow is Easter, and I am sad because I was really excited about Sam's Basket about a month ago. I got sick when we went shopping for Easter - so I just grabbed what I could and ran out the door. Poor Sam - she is getting a crappy basket this year. Hopefully I make up for it next year. I am feeling much better now. I had to work today - so I am just very tired. I should go get some sleep for all the big festivities tomorrow. Happy Easter if I fail at blogging for a couple of weeks again!
XoXo
JRC